


Compressed Happiness

by cunttwatula



Category: Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, M/M, Moving In Together, mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-12
Updated: 2017-08-12
Packaged: 2018-12-14 07:25:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11778255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cunttwatula/pseuds/cunttwatula
Summary: If mental illness is a war, then everyday is a battle.





	1. July 25th, 2011

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there party people!~
> 
> I'm so happy to be participating in the 2017 KuroFai Olympics. I've been fortunate enough to compete two other times and hope to continue to do so in the future. The teams this year are Team Phoenix (Fai POV) and Team Dragon (Kurogane POV). My prompt was, "When It Rains, It Pours." I decided to explore that prompt with a fic that shows how everything that can go wrong will go wrong all at once, but is often superseded by smaller events leading to the final blow.
> 
> I'm a minimalist tagger, because I don't like to give away too much plot. I did, however, divulge that this fic deals with mental health. I want you to know that this fic does NOT contain suicide, suicidal thoughts, or intentional bodily harm; but it does contain other issues pertaining anxiety and depression.
> 
> Please see end notes in the FINAL chapter for a link to voting! And PLEASE don't forget to look at the other fics for this competition. They all need some love an attention.
> 
> Thanks for reading and thank you even more for voting!!!

The early morning sunlight stretches across Fai’s face and with laser-like precision it lands right across Fai’s eyes. His face twists at the unwelcome stimulus and he turns over, putting his face right in Kurogane’s back. He takes a deep breath knowing he won’t fall back asleep despite refusing to open his eyes. 

Kurogane smells so good in the morning, just enough of his body wash has come off in his sleep that his natural scent begins to come through. Fai breathes it in, pressing his face to the sun warmed skin of Kurogane’s back, and indulging in the muted minty scent. 

Kurogane is so familiar now. His scent, his mannerisms, his body, his  _ presence.  _ Eighteen months ago Fai would have never believed this is how he’d be waking up. Hell, he might not have even believed that one person could  _ feel  _ so much. He’s twenty-six and in love for the first time. Sure, he’s had lovers, boyfriends, girlfriends, but Kurogane has always been more than any of the people before him. 

Remembering this, Fai pushes himself closer and pokes his fingers into the dimples on Kurogane’s back. He smiles to himself as Kurogane begins to stir, the movements are slight, but Fai doesn’t miss how Kurogane’s neck tenses with awareness.

“Ku. Ro. Ga. Ne.” Fai sends a chilled breath across Kurogane’s neck and almost immediately finds himself breathlessly pinned to the bed. 

Kurogane stares down at him with a blank face before a tiny smirk appears. He leans in as Fai struggles to crane his neck and meet Kurogane half way. After a half-hearted struggle Fai gives up and lets his head flop back onto the pillow with a pout. 

With a smug snort Kurogane closes the distance between them. His body relaxes over Fai’s as they fall into each other. Fai smiles into their kiss and chases Kurogane’s mouth when he pulls away. 

“Good morning,” Kurogane says, pushing a stray chunk of hair behind Fai’s ear.

Fai smiles at the gesture, closing his eyes and letting out a low hum. “Good morning, Kuro-cute.”

“You’re up early.”

“You didn’t close the curtains right, so the sunlight attacked my face this morning.”

“Oh. Poor you.” Kurogane rolls his eyes.

“You don’t seem very sorry.”

“What was your first clue?”

They both grin.

“Sorry about the curtain,” Kurogane relents.

Fai’s fingers lace behind Kurogane’s head. “It’s okay. Now we can spend some time together before we need to get ready for work.”

Kurogane’s hands roam over Fai’s hips. “Did you have something in mind?”

Fai looks up and to his left. “Well, I just don’t know. We could watch a documentary on stamps I’ve been meaning to get to.” He looks back to Kurogane and holds his gaze. “Thoughts?”

“Or we could fuck.”

Fai feigns surprise. “Oh, yeah! Let’s do that!”

 

~~~

 

“Kuro! Where’s my backpack?”

Kurogane comes out of the bedroom tugging at his belt. “I don’t know. Is it behind the boxes I haven’t unpacked in the corner?”

Fai goes to the boxes in question and pulls his backpack out of the one holding all of Kurogane’s coats, failing to notice the open front pocket. “Got it. Babe, we  _ have  _ to finish unpacking your things today. I can’t take the clutter for another day.”

“We’ll finish when we get home. What time will you be back?”

Fai pauses at the door waiting for Kurogane so they can leave together. “Probably around six, but before seven.” Kurogane nods in acknowledgement. “C’mon. We’re running late.”

“You’re the one that took the bedroom mood to the shower.”

“Are you saying it’s my fault?” 

Kurogane levels him with a gaze as he comes to Fai’s side. He sets his hand on Fai’s hip and they kiss. “Yes.”

Fai locks the door behind them and chases after him. “If that’s how you feel you can just move back in with Ben.”

“Can’t. He already rented my room. You’re stuck with me.” 

They emerge from their apartment building, the sounds of the city in the early morning is a startling reminder of the world outside the space they’ve made for themselves. Fai squeezes Kurogane’s hand. “I’ll see you when I get home.”

“Yeah, I’ll be home around six.”

Fai grins.

“What are you smiling about?”

“Nothing. It’s just. We’re going to see each other at  _ home. Our  _ home.”

Kurogane pulls him in for a quick, but solid hug. It’s all the more meaningful knowing that Kurogane is rather private with displaying affection. 

“I love you,” Fai says when they pull apart.

“Yeah. Me too.”

Kurogane steps away from him, turning reluctantly to head towards work. Fai waves after him before turning and heading in the opposite direction.

 

~~~

 

Fai drops into his office chair ten minutes earlier than he planned on arriving. He pulls up his calendar and takes a quick glance at his monday morning meetings as he reaches into the front pocket of his red Jansport. 

His hand searches blindly for the familiar plastic tube, but comes up empty. With a frown he opens the main compartment of his bag and pushes past the binders and feels around for his meds. Still nothing, but they  _ have  _ to be in there. He pulls out his binders and a fistful of miscellaneous pens leaving the bag empty and most definitely devoid of his meds. 

“Shit,” he mumbles to himself as he leans back in his chair trying to recall where he might have put them. After a moment he realizes the front pouch had been open, maybe they fell out on the walk to work and if that’s the case there’s no way he’s going to get them back. He closes his eyes and breathes in deep, imagining the steady push and pull of water dragging against the shore. 

“Fai.”

He sits up to find his director standing over his desk. “Morning, Margot.”

She regards him with a nod. “Do you have a few minutes to grab coffee before the morning meeting?”

“Yeah.” Fai locks his computer. “Just point me in the direction of caffeine.”

Together they go to the Starbucks in the lobby of the building they rent a floor from and take a seat along the windowed entrance. “Yeah, she’s a trouble maker,” Margot digresses from a story about her three year old niece. “Anyway,” she takes a sip of her latte, “I didn’t call you down here to talk about Riley.”

“As cute as she is I figured as much.”

Margot leans in over the table. “There are some,” she pauses to consider her words, “ _ changes  _ coming out in the next few months.”

Fai sets down his cup, suddenly tense. “Are we okay?”

“Yes. One-hundred percent. We’re expanding. The rest of the directors and myself have been in discussion the past few weeks about making social media marketing it’s own department. Still under me, of course, but with its own director and team that focuses solely on fulfilling the social media aspects of our clients.”

“Oh.” Fai let’s this information sink in. 

“What are your thoughts?”

He sits forward, crossing his legs. “I think it’s a great idea. With the growing importance social media departmentalizing can only help us grow and specialize in that form of advertisement.”

“Exactly! I’m happy you feel that way, because I’ve recommended you as Director of Social Media Marketing.”

Fai’s jaw drops and then a smile spreads across his face. “Are you serious?”

Margot nods. “As a heart attack.”

“Oh, wow.” Fai pulls at his hair and laughs.

“So?”

“Yes! What do I need to do?”

“We have a proposal due in a few weeks for a local tech startup called Blox. I want you to head up a team of three, including yourself, and come up with a kickass soical media marketing tactic to present at the meeting.”

“Consider it done.”

 

~~~

 

“And then she offered me the position!”

Yuuko shifts, her hand rests on the yellow paper of her legal pad. “That’s fantastic. Have you told Kurogane?”

“Not yet. I want to tell him in person.”

“Yes. Of course. Did you decide to move in together? I remember at our last session you had some reservations.”

Fai sighs happily. “We did. We just moved him in over the weekend.” There’s a short pause. “I can’t believe it’s been so long since we’ve last talked.”

“Disappointed?”

“No. Just reminiscent, I guess. I use to come weekly, sometimes twice a week.”

“You’ve grown a lot since we first started seeing each other. We don’t need to see each other as often. You should be proud.”

“I am. Really,” Fai reassures her.

Yuuko clears her throat. “I take it you’ve told him about your meds, then, if you’ve let him move in.”

Fai’s face drops. “Not exactly.”

Yuuko cocks her head to the side, encouraging Fai to continue.

“I just - I’ve been doing so well. I haven’t had an episode in two years. The person I was before I started seeing you, before I met Kurogane - he’s a different person. That’s not who I am anymore.”

“You’ve always just been you, Fai. Fai with anxiety and depression is just as valid an identity as Fai with a successful career and hunky boyfriend.”

Fai snorts. “He really is a hunk. He’s so fuckable I can’t stand it. When we go out people just  _ stare  _ at him.”

“Does that make you insecure?”

“Pft. No. They can stare as much as they want, but they don’t know him like I do. He’s selective about the people he lets into his life. I’m lucky to be one of them.”

“He’s just as lucky to be in yours.”

Fai hums. “We’re lucky to have each other. I know not to put him on a pedestal. He has faults.”

“Such as?”

“He never closes the curtains right. He’s a fan of fish, but refuses to eat bell peppers.” Fai looks down to his lap. “He’s hard to read. He can be a little blunt, but he’s kind. I’m - I don’t know. I feel safe with him.”

“Then what’s the worst thing that could happen if you tell him about your meds?”

The answer spills out of his mouth, like a cup knocked over at the edge of the counter. “He could realize that I’m not a real person. That everything he knows about me is only true because I have to take a little pill of compressed happiness just to get through my life and leave me.”

Yuuko makes a note. “We both know you’re fatalizing this. You’re projecting your own fears onto him. That’s not fair.”

Fai frowns. “I know, but I can’t tell him. I’ve tried. I really have, but I can never get it out.”

“Lasting relationships are built on a foundation of trust.”

He lets out a sigh and props his head up on his arm. To his left Fai studies the perpetual motion model on Yuuko’s desk. “My meds don’t have to be part of the foundation. They’re just a bottle hidden in the back of the medicine cabinet.”

Yuuko makes another note. “I urge you to consider telling him. I’d hate to see this become a point of stress for you.”

“I’m fine.”

She levels her eyes at him, hard but reassuring. “Okay. Are you still journaling?”

“On and off.”

“Good. We’re close to end of our hour. Is there anything else on your mind?”

“Not really. I feel like things are finally falling into place, like this is how my life was always meant to be. I don’t irrationally stress about work. I don’t wonder if my relationship with Kurogane is genuine. I don’t feel like I’m looking behind my back all the time waiting for something to jump out and take it all away from me. I love getting up in the morning because life is exciting.”

Yuuko nods to show her support. “You’ve come a long way since our first session.” She stands. “Well, that’s our time. I’ll see you in a month, but in the meantime remember that I’m always available via cell if you need me.”

“I don’t think I will, but thank you.”

They hug at her office door. “Be good,” Yuuko jokes.

“Not even if you paid me.”

 

~~~

 

The apartment smells like stir fry when Fai walks in. Kurogane glances over his shoulder and tips his head in greeting. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Fai leans back against the door and toes off his shoes. He’s breathless with excitement. “Smells great.” 

“Should be ready in a few minutes.”

He comes up behind Kurogane, sliding his hand over his shoulder, and leaning into him. Kurogane turns his attention away from the food and leans down to kiss hello. Fai grins and taps him twice on the shoulder as he turns away. “I’m going to pour us some wine.”

“Wine?”

“Yeah.”

“Something good must of happened.”

Fai pulls a bottle of cheap red from the cabinet. “What makes you say that?”

“You don’t drink very often.”

“I drink.”

“I’ve seen you drink once. At your coworker’s wedding.”

Fai shrugs. He pops the cork from the bottle and pours two glasses. “Well, maybe there is cause of celebration.” 

Kurogane takes his glass and sips. “Out with it then,” He sets the glass down next to the stove and turns off the burner.

With Kurogane’s attention on him Fai lights up, his body hums with the day’s energy. “I got offered a promotion at work. I’d be a Director.” When Kurogane doesn’t react Fai bounces in place. 

Fai’s excitement melts Kurogane and he extends his arm so Fai can slip in for a hug. His arms wrap tightly around Fai’s upper back and his face dissolves into a loose smile. “Proud of you,” he says into the crown of Fai’s head. 

“Thanks.” Fai gives one last squeeze and steps away. “I’m going to set up Netflix for us.”

He turns on the PlayStation and pulls up the app. “What do you want to watch?” He glances behind himself, Kurogane is still plating their food. Quietly he sets down the controler and goes to the corner where, of course, the boxes still are.

“I don’t care.”

Fai peers behind the boxes where he found his bag that morning. His heart sinks a little when there’s no orange bottle.  It must have fallen out of his bag on the way to work, he thinks scratching his head. He stares a moment longer at the boxes, noting to himself he’ll have to get a prescription called in - not that he’ll be able to afford it until his next paycheck.

“What are you doing?” Kurogane asks as he rounds the couch.

Fai turns and takes a large gulp of wine. “Oh, um, the boxes...” He stumbles over the words as Kurogane sets the plates down on the coffee table.

“Yeah. I didn’t get to them after work like I wanted to.”

Fai stands there, tapping his glass, and unsure of what to say.

Kurogane raises his brow, “We could do them after we eat.”

“No! It’s fine. Let’s just relax.” He smiles hoping Kurogane doesn’t notice he hasn’t actually answered his question.

They settle in on the couch and put on the first movie that looks bearable. 


	2. July 27th, 2011

His head feels like the static screen of a TV when he wake up Wednesday morning. Beside him Kurogane shifts to turn off the alarm. “Snooze it,” Fai mumbles into his pillow. He pulls the blanket tight against his body and turns himself into the mattress. His whole body feels heavy with sleep, like an anchor dragging him down to depths unknown. 

Outside of Fai’s immediate consciousness of discomfort, Kurogane mentions the weather and reviews their day. Fai tunes him out, unable to focus on anything but his complete unwillingness to leave his bed. He’s not even fully awake and he wishes he could go back to sleep.

“Hey,” Kurogane’s voice cuts in through the fog. When his arms wrap around Fai the warmth sinks into him, calling Fai back from his own thoughts. “You okay?”

Fai rolls onto his back so he can look up at Kurogane. “Yeah. Just - Headache.” 

Kurogane nods. “Sleep okay?”

“Not really.”

“Is it the promotion?”

Fai rubs at his eyes. “Yeah. Probably.” His arms drop to lay across his stomach.

“Should I let you sleep?”

The offer is so tempting. He sighs, “No. I’ll get up, but will you go grab breakfast at the bagel shop across the street?

“We have food here. We can just make something.”

“Aww. C’mon. I don’t feel good. Don’t you feel bad for me?”

“I did until you started complaining.”

Fai shoves Kurogane’s face with half hearted effort. “Kuro-rude doesn’t care about my well being!”

Kurogane frowns. “You’re such a brat. You just want me to go because you’re being lazy.”

Fai put both of his hands up in surrender. “You caught me.”

“We can grab bagels on our way out.” Kurogane rolls out of bed and glances back at Fai’s unmoving form. “We’ll run out of time if you don’t get up.”

“Fine!” Fai groans as he gets himself out of bed and begrudgingly starts his day with a shower that devolves into him just standing in a stream of hot water. He turns the heat up hoping to release the tension in his back, but he just finds himself tensing more even as he leans against the cool shower tiles. He could fall asleep here and let the water soak in until his body starts to fall apart and float down the drain. His eyes snap open at the thought.  _ Positive thoughts. Positive thoughts. Positive thoughts.  _ He repeats the phrase over and over as he exits the shower and wraps a towel low on his waist.

He stands at the sink staring at himself in the mirror as he pulls at his skin, noting the dark circles under his eyes and the blotchy redness across his cheeks. He picks up his bottle of face wash and flicks it open with his thumb. He stares at the flecks of dry soap around the hole and frowns. There’s no point in trying when his face already looks like shit, besides the water from the shower probably did  _ something.   _ He sets his face wash back on the countertop and skips his morning skincare routine.

“You’re ready?” Kurogane asks when he emerges from their bedroom wearing the first clean outfit he could throw together.

“Yeah.”

Kurogane crosses his arms and leans against the counter where he’s preparing lunch for himself. “That was quick.” 

“I guess.” Fai doesn’t meet his eyes as a sudden irritation creeps up on him. It’s not Kurogane’s business how long he takes to get ready. If he wants to wash his face he’ll fucking wash his face. All he wants is a goddamn bagel and a twenty ounce iced coffee so he can feel remotely human.

“What’s wrong?” Kurogane shifts against the counter, the fabric of his work jeans rub together.

“Nothing.”

“Tch.” Fai can sense Kurogane’s mounting concern. “You don’t lie as well as you think you do.”

Fai whips his head to face Kurogane.  _ Shows what you know,  _ he thinks but has enough sense not to say it. “I’m just tired okay? I didn’t sleep well and I have to make a final decision on my team for this project - the project that decides if I get my  _ promotion  _ \- by nine a.m. and all I want is a fucking bagel and some coffee and just-” Fai lets out a breath feeling suddenly deflated of the irritation he’d felt only moments before. He scrubs at his eyes and realizes that they’re welling with tears.

Kurogane is at his side faster than Fai can even register his own shock. He grips Fai’s biceps and Fai’s hands instinctively latch on to Kurogane’s forearms. Fai looks up into Kurogane’s face. “I just want a bagel,” he whispers.

“Okay. Let me finish getting lunch packed and we can go together.” He smoothes Fai’s hair back from his face. “You don’t need to stress over this.” He pulls Fai in and gives him a reassuring hug.

Fai sniffs and wipes his tears away. “Thanks.” He watches Kurogane finish packing his lunch cooler from the couch. He feels sick, his whole being aches from the inside out and as much as he wants a bagel he wants to crawl into bed and hide from the world even more. 

 

~~~

 

Tomoyo’s face lights up as Fai’s offer washes over her. “Of course I want to be part of this project. I was just talking to my friends yesterday about the growing importance of social media in advertisment.” She flips open her notebook and jots something down. “When will we have our first meeting?”

Fai forces a smile. Tomoyo’s energy is one of the reasons she’s so valuable to his project, but he’d prefer her level headed concentration right now. “Margot is giving me the budget today. I’ll review and call a meeting at the beginning of next week. In the meantime I’ll send out an email highlighting the main points of the proposal and client expectations. I’ll expect three to five generalized ideas at our first meeting. I know it’s short notice, but we only have until September second before we present to the client.”

“And what are we promoting?”

“The company is an eco-friendly tech startup. They’re working on innovating phones and other electronics by making interchangeable parts.”

“Ah! Modular phones! Very forward thinking.” Tomoyo nods along as she takes notes. “Who will I be working with? Do you want us to come up with individual ideas or decide on a few as a team?”

If Fai’s being truthful, he hasn’t chosen a second person for his team yet. He glances at his watch hoping to disappear and have the decision made for him. Instead he slaps on a disarming face. “No final decision, yet. I’ll send an email by end of day restating directives.”

“Got it!” She looks up and grins at him. “Thank you so much for thinking of me when making your team. We haven’t worked together very often, I’m flattered.”

Fai nods, “Your work speaks for itself.” He hopes his voice carries an acceptable amount of cheer.

Tomoyo stands, her hand brushes the hem of her skirt. “I should get back to my desk. Sales asked me to sit in on a conference call.”

“Of course.”

She turns quickly. Her long, dark hair fans around her hips at the same angle as her skirt as she exits. 

Once the door is closed Fai slumps against the table. Whatever miniscule amount of sleep he got last night feels like even less now that he’s at work. It’s not even ten and he’s ready to go home.

Suddenly, the door bursts open and Fai jolts up in his seat to see Margot sweep into the room. She stops short, her eyebrows pull up in surprise. “I thought you’d still be talking to your team for the social media proposal. I wanted to sit in.”

Fai pushes his hair back. He cringes at the oily texture in his roots, it’s his own fault - he could have just gotten his shit together this morning and showered. “You just missed Tomoyo.” Fai sits back in his chair, crosses one leg over the other, and pull his zip up tighter around his chest as he crosses his arms.

Margot clicks her tongue and studies him. She closes the door behind herself. “You look terrible. Everything okay?”

“Yeah.” Fai rubs his eyes. “Just tired. Didn’t sleep much.”  _ Or, at all, really. _

She gives him another second to elaborate before moving on. “Other than Tomoyo, who else is on your team?”

“I haven’t decided.” There’s a beat of silence that makes Fai’s stomach clench. He’s never been on the receiving end of a lecture from his boss, but he doesn’t think he can deal with one right now. If his stupid brain could just make it’s own fucking decisions he could’ve avoided this conversation, because there’s no way in hell he’s walking away from this meeting labeled as anything more than incompetent.

“Why’s that?” She takes a seat at the opposite end of the table.

He just has to bullshit his way through this interaction. “I thought I had my final decision when I walked in this morning, but then I saw the email this morning about hiring the intern, Sam.”

Margot nods her head. “I didn’t realize that Sam had made an impression on you.”

“Of course. He’s been so reliable the past few months.” Fai cannot recall a single project Sam has assisted with. In fact his whole person is indistinguishable from the other three interns they’ve had this summer. 

“Do you remember the perfume you pitched last quarter?”

“Primavera?”

“Yes. You changed the entire direction of that commercial days before our meeting with the client because you had a gut feeling you could do better. And you did.” Margot pauses and takes a breath, “If your gut made you stop to consider Sam, I say you should follow it.”

He’s really backed himself into a corner with this one. “I think you’re right. I’ll find him and let him know.”

Margot taps the table and stands. “Glad I could help. Go home. You look sick.”

Fai gives a halfhearted smile. “Thanks. I’ll get out of here soon.”

 

~~~

 

It’s just past noon when Fai enters his apartment. He kicks off his shoes and tosses his bag to the left of the door. He leans against the door, closes his eyes, and looks upward. “It’s just a bad day. You’re fine.”

With a steadying breath he pushes off the door and goes to his room. He pulls his shirt off and drops it where he stands. Before he even lays down his thoughts are fuzzy with the promise of sleep. When his head touches the pillow there’s a quick flash of all the things he should be doing.  _ Need to unpack the boxes. Dishes. Laundry. Stupid boxes.  _ Even so, his body is made of stone, unmoving.

The anger and discomfort from the day leaves him empty; which might just be a feeling closer to his true self than he’s been in a long time. 

 

~~~

 

The bed shifts, waking Fai from a dreamless nap. He opens his eyes and blinks at Kurogane who sits on the edge of their bed. 

“Hey,” Kurogane pushes Fai’s hair back from his face.

Fai hums in response, turning his face into the palm of Kurogane’s hand.

“Been home long?”

Fai glances at the window, it’s late afternoon. “Not really.”

“You don’t usually nap after work.”

“I know. I think I’m sick.” Rather, Fai  _ hopes  _ he’s sick so he can explain away how he’s felt all day.

Kurogane puts the back of his hand to Fai’s forehead. “You don’t feel feverish.”

“Doesn’t mean I’m not sick. How was work?”

Kurogane leans back, using his hands to brace himself. “Same shit, different day. Journeymen only want to complain about how much the apprentices are working, apprentices only want to complain about how much the journeymen are working, and I can’t even tell them to shut the fuck up anymore.”

Fai makes an affirmative noise as he breathes out through his nose. Kurogane’s voice begins to fade as his body settles back into the mattress. 

“Hey,” Kurogane’s fingers slide firmly against his scalp. “You’re falling back asleep.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it, just get some rest. Do you need food?”

“I ate when I came home.”  _ Liar. _

“Okay. Let me know if you change your mind.”

Fai nods, he’s almost asleep when Kurogane exits the room. 


	3. August 1st, 2011

_ French toast.  _ Fai’s whole body jolts awake at the thought. He glances to the bedside and notices he has an hour before his alarm will even go off. He hasn’t been hungry for the last few days, only eating to appease Kurogane who has been watching him with increasing worry over the weekend.

Fai stares at the ceiling fan. Maybe he should try to sleep the extra hour, after all this feeling of purpose and energy is, likely, only fleeting. The depression that had made him call out of work the second half of last week and stay in bed most of the weekend will come back. It always does, but it’s been so long since he’s been without meds he’s not sure what to expect anymore. Maybe it’s different now, maybe he’s changed.

Kurogane snores next to him and he laughs, this is the kind of Monday that needs a good breakfast.  _ Fuck it.  _ Fai gets out of bed and goes to the kitchen to start cooking. He shuffles a playlist and sings along to the music. His mind begins to wander as the act of cooking becomes more instinctive. 

He looks out the window over the sink to the community garden between his building and the next. The soil is lush with produce and he can’t help but to think that they could save so much money if they started growing their own vegetables! He doesn’t know the first thing about gardening, though. Kurogane grew up in the rural midwest, but his family subsisted off of his father’s construction company. Even so, he probably knows more about gardening than Fai. He opens his phone and orders a gardening book before setting the bread in his egg wash. 

He’s standing at the stove with a spatula in hand when hears Kurogane shuffle out of their room. “Morning, Kuro-sleep!” Fai grins and offers his cheek for a kiss, to which Kurogane obliges. 

“Morning. Are you feeling better?”

Fai sighs. “I feel great. So much better.” 

“Good. I was going to drag you to the doctor today if you weren’t. Fuck having no insurance.”

He runs his hand down Kurogane’s bicep and stops at his elbow. “Sorry I’ve been so  _ blah  _ the past few days.”

“You were sick.”

“No, really. Let me make it up to you.”

Kurogane ruffles Fai’s hair and pushes his head away. “Fine. It’s not like I can stop you.”

“Nope!”

“I’m going to go shower before breakfast is done.”

Fai watches him go and whistles, stopping Kurogane in his track. He sees the blush on the back of Kurogane’s neck. His boyfriend turns, scowling. “Shut up!”

He turns back to the stove, laughing. 

 

~~~

 

He’s singing under his breath as he steps into the conference room he’s reserved for the first official meeting of his team. Tomoyo and Sam are already seated and talking amongst themselves. “Good morning!” Fai gushes as he rounds the table and takes his seat at the end. 

“Let’s get started. Have you both familiarize yourselves with the product and the budget?” He flips open to a fresh page in his notebook and looks up at them expectantly.

Tomoyo and Sam exchange a look. “Fai, you never sent it to us. I was going to remind you Thursday morning, but you never came in.”

Fai rolls his lips together and pauses as he tries to remember if he hadn’t sent the email.  _ Fucking idiot. You can’t even do your job.  _ He knows he didn’t, he remembers telling himself that he’d do it from home and then getting home and hardly getting out of bed the next four days. 

He levels his eyes at them. “You’re right. I am so sorry. I went home sick wednesday and it slipped my mind. I’ll send it to you once we’re done here and we’ll reconvene tomorrow. Same time.”

“Did you still want us to present ideas on top of reviewing the files?”

“Just be familiar with the files. We’ll brainstorm as a team to make up for the lost time.”

The meeting ends and Fai sinks into his chair.  _ Minor setback. Not that big of a deal. It’s only your entire future on the line. You’ll find another way to fuck it up.  _

“Fai?”

He jumps, having thought he was alone in the room. Sam stands in front of him, his shirt is wrinkled and he wears broken in sports shoes. He reeks of ‘first job’ wardrobe. “Yes?” Fai pointedly looks at the chair to his left.

Sam sits. His eyes roaming the various pictures of past marketing campaigns. “I, uh - I really want to thank you for this opportunity to work on this project.”

“You’re welcome.”

“But, uh - I just - I don’t know. Why? I just got hired and I only assisted on like three projects here and none of them were on teams with you. So, I was just wondering why you would pick me to be on your team?”

Fai swallows. He’s had the majority of the day to accept that there was going to be a complete newbie on his team due to the events of last wednesday, but he hadn’t expected to be confronted about it. “Well,” Fai clears his throat.  _ Lie. Save face. Don’t hurt his feelings, Margot will find out, and you’ll get fired for being incapable of doing your job.  _ “Just because we never worked together doesn’t mean I never heard of your contributions. You belong on our team.”

Sam nods his head, more to himself than anything. “Okay. If you’re sure.”

“I am.”

“Alright. I might have dumb questions.”

“Everyone starts somewhere.” Fai gives a disarming smile. “I have to get going. I have another meeting to prepare for.”

“Oh. Sorry for keeping you.”

“No worries. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Sam exits the room. The prospect of grooming Sam from the ground up is daunting, but Fai also finds himself excited by the task. If Sam isn’t sure what the expectations of his work are he won’t feel limited. It’s actually kind of elating to think about. 


	4. August 4th, 2011

“I love it.” Fai stands and rounds the table to the screen being used to display the first mock up of the direction they’ve decided to go. “ _ Changing with you. _ ” Fai reads aloud their slogan. “It’s consumer focused and really puts emphasis on both a changing lifestyle while highlighting that the product itself is always growing. Simple.” He turns back to them, beaming. “The only thing left to do is discuss which social media platform it’s best suited to.”

“Agreed.” Tomoyo claps her hands once for emphasis. “We haven’t done a study, but I think it’s safe to say that our demographic is in the eighteen to thirty-two range.”

“I think you’re right.” Fai pauses, pushing his tongue into his cheek, “Sam.”

“Yes?” His voice chokes, like a middle schooler that just got singled out. 

“We need you to get a focus group together for Monday.”

Sam’s eyes go wide. “How do I-”

A thought hits Fai as he moves on. “Tomoyo, contact the company’s representative and ask for some testing products.”

“Got it.”

“We will reconvene on Tuesday after the product testing. Thank you both for your hard work.”

Fai watches them leave before taking a seat closest to the screen. It’s only a few words, but he finds so much meaning in them. For a moment he doesn’t even consider all the work left to do and just relishes in this single accomplishment. Yuuko would be proud.

The slogan makes him think of Kurogane and a flood of emotions wash through him taking over every part of him. He pulls out his phone and calls him. “Hello?” Kurogane’s voice is rushed

“Hey there, good lookin.” There’s yelling in the background and the distinctive beep of heavy machinery.

Kurogane grunts on the other end of the phone. “Fai, give me a second.” The noise on the other end becomes muffled, but Fai can here Kurogane yelling. There’s movement and the sound becomes crisp. “Hey. What’s up?” 

Fai raises an eyebrow at Kurogane’s tone, it seems a little short, but maybe he’s over thinking. He feels suddenly self conscious about calling. “Is now a bad time?”

“No. You just don’t normally call while I’m on site.”

Fai frowns. “I just missed you.”

There’s a pause, the background noise on the other end disappears. “Sorry. Still there?”

“Yeah.” He clears his throat. “I’m still here.” His voice seems smaller somehow.  _ You’re bothering him. He’s at work you asshole.  _

“Everything okay?”

His eyes glance at the slogan.  _ Changing with you.  _ “We settled on a slogan for the campaign.” He lets out a short chuckle. “Sorry. It’s stupid. I should let you get back -”

“It’s not stupid.” Kurogane states, his voice rough. “I don’t think the things you care about are stupid.”

Fai’s chest tightens, the rush of emotions from earlier comes back tenfold. 

“Well? What is it?”

He puts on his best showman voice, “ _ Changing with you.   _ What do you think?”

Fai can hear the smile in Kurogane’s. “I like it. It’s to the point.”

_ Do you really need his reassurance? Loser.  _ He pushes his thoughts away. “I think it’s hopeful. It makes you imagine what  _ could  _ be. You know what I mean?”

“Yeah. I think I do.” The background noise comes back. Fai can hear the faintest conversation between Kurogane and somebody else. “Hey, I have to get back.”

“Mmm. Working man. That’s hot.”

Kurogane groans. “If I walk out of my trailer blushing these guys will never let me live it down.”

Fai laughs. “Okay, okay. When will you be home?”

“Usual time.”

“Do you want to go on a date with me?”

“Fai. We’ve been together for nearly two years.”

“Is that a no?” Fai whines.

“No, you idiot.”

Fai can picture Kurogane’s face steamed over with embarrassment. “I’ll pick you up after work. Wear something tight.”

“Christ, Fai.”

He smiles to himself. “I love you.”

“Me too. Gotta go. For real.”

“See you later, hot stuff.”

In the background Fai can just make out somebody saying, “Boss, why’s your face so red?” Followed by Kurogane, “Dammit!” The line goes dead.

Fai leans back in his chair and remembers it’s only nineteen more days until their two year anniversary. He’ll need a gift. 

 

~~~

 

Fai takes the stairs to their third floor apartment as he sings under his breath. When he reaches his door he knocks and leans against the door jam. He bites his lip to stop himself from laughing. The door swings open and Fai puts on his most coy smile.

Kurogane pauses in the doorway, toothbrush hanging out of his mouth. “Did you lose your key?”

Fai turns his head and inspects the wood making up the door frame. “To my heart?” He shakes his head. “No. I seem to remember giving that away.”

He looks up and Kurogane is scowling through his embarrassment, like he isn’t in for an entire evening of Fai’s ravenous sexual appetite. “Shut up.” Kurogane steps back into the apartment.

Fai follows him to the bathroom and situates himself in the doorway. His eyes drag over Kurogane’s body. 

“What?” Kurogane says, his mouth full of toothpaste. He spits and runs the water.

Fai meets his eyes in the mirror. “You look good.”

A feral smirk comes over Kurogane. “You told me to wear something tight.” 

He takes a few steps forward and wraps his arms low on Kurogane’s waist. “Mmm. I said tight, not earth shattering.”

They both laugh and Fai smacks Kurogane’s ass as he steps away. “Want to go anywhere in particular?”

“I just want a beer and some greasy fucking nachos.” With that statement they find themselves at their favorite gay bar about two blocks away from their apartment. 

“This is where is all started,” Fai says taking a dramatic wiff at the entrance and looking at the few other people seated in the bar. “Still smells like twinks and queens.”

They find a hightop close to the pool tables and take a seat. They don’t come here as much as they did when they first started dating, but  _ Rico’s  _ is still good for a five dollar beer bust happy hour and terribly good for you bar food. 

“Want me to order?” Kurogane asks as he sets his menu down.

Fai clucks his tongue. “I’ll just share your nachos, but I  _ do _ want a Blue Moon.”

“Really?” Kurogane raises an eyebrow. “You're sure you don’t want your usual?”

“I’m not that hungry.” There’s something hard about Fai’s tone, it doesn’t invite question or argument. It’s a tone that might work on a lesser man, but not Kurogane. 

“You’re going to end up eating all my nachos.”

“You never finish them anyway.”

“Yeah, but you usually eat all your sliders, fries, and my leftover nachos. You’re like a damn bottomless pit.” 

Fai tries to glare, but looks away. Confrontation over something like this isn’t deserving of a response. Besides Kurogane will cave.

“Fine, but if you change your mind later don’t blame me.”

Despite the food disagreement the rest of the evening goes well. Fai picks at the nachos, but distracts Kurogane from how little he eats by challenging him to pool. It was bound to happen one way or another considering it’s their tradition. 

It’s their third round of pool when their date starts to take a different direction. Fai takes a long pull from his beer and sets it on the chalking shelf. “Should we bet?”

“You’re not going to win.”

“That’s what you said before I won a date with you on that fateful day.”

Kurogane rolls his eyes. “Unless I scratch on my next turn I’m sinking my two in the corner pocket and putting the eight ball in the side left.”

Fai shakes his head. “What? Are you chicken?” Fai jerks his head forward and back, “Bawk! Ba-ba-bawk!” He looks at Kurogane who is torn between being entertained and annoyed.

“Fine. Just stop acting like a chicken. That’s not even how they sound.”

“Do you know that because you grew up in the midwest.”

“No. I know it because I’m not an idiot. What are we betting?”

“Top versus bottom?”

“Tch. Should have figured.”

“Is that a challenge?”

“Only if you make it one.”

Fai narrows his eyes. “Fine. Loser has to get that guy,” he raises his hand and points blindly at the bar, “to buy them a drink.” Fai looks to the man he’s pointed at. He’s what might be considered under the radar. The type of guy you wouldn’t know was gay unless he told you, or, in this case, you met him at a gay bar. “We’re both out of practice, either way it  _ will _ be a train wreck.”

Kurogane hums, a sharp smile coming over him. “Deal.” Kurogane lines up his shot in perfect form, not that Fai is nervous. Afterall, Kurogane is shooting from his non-dominant side. 

The pool stick connects with the cue ball, but before the cue ball can even connect with the two ball Kurogane swears. “Fuck.” There’s not enough backspin and the cue ball falls into the corner pocket right after the two.

“Oh! I wonder who’s going to win now.” Fai practically skips around to the other side to grab and reset the ball.

“You’re annoying,” Kurogane mumbles, though there’s no real harm in the words

“Haven’t I told you?” Fai coaks his head. “Annoyance is what makes me so good at pool.” He sets the ball.

Kurogane finishes his beer. “Yeah, whatever. Game’s not over yet.”

Fai lines up the shot, it connects and sends his thirteen into the side pocket. He goes to the other side of the table and shoots for the eight ball. It’s a perfect shot. “Looks like it is, actually.”

“Goddammit,” Kurogane grunts. He runs his hand over his face. 

Fai comes over and pats Kurogane’s shoulder. “You know, after a hard loss like that -”

“Don’t.” 

Fai’s composure breaks for a split second. “You really deserve a beer.”

Kurogane side eyes him. “I hate you.”

“Yeah? Me too.” Fai grins and takes seat at their table. When Kurogane doesn’t move he gestures towards the bar. “Well?”

His boyfriend takes a step forward. “I’m going.”

The event starts to unfold in slow motion. The smile slips off Fai’s face and he looks blankly at his beer.  _ Wasn’t that a little too easy? It’s not like he lost on purpose. Are you sure? _

Kurogane approaches the bar and leans over the counter. They may be rusty, but rust doesn’t hide beauty. Undercover Gay gives Kurogane a visible once over, to which Kurogane responds with a head nod. There’s something natural about seeing them together.  _ They look right. How does a pale twig compare to a hunk?  _ Fai frowns, this is supposed to be entertaining. If he can just  _ find  _ the humor in it he’ll feel better. 

_ This is your fault.  _ Whatever conversation Kurogane and the other man are having, it seems amicable. Kurogane isn’t even putting any work into the interaction and the man  _ still  _ tries to regale him with an anecdote Fai can’t hear. The story ends and Kurogane leans in to say something that triggers a fit of laughter. It’s probably nothing, Kurogane never  _ tries  _ to be funny. He’s not  _ actually  _ flirting. The thought calms Fai, this is  _ Kurogane  _ after all. He’s thorny and hard to get to know, whatever chance this guy thinks he has is fabricated. 

Then Kurogane laughs. His voice carries across the bar and the sound waves vibrate through Fai breaking him down into tiny pieces. He remembers when they met here almost two years ago and how Kurogane had made him work for his attention. Fai could have had anyone that night, but he’d wanted Kurogane. All night he tried to break Kurogane’s stone face, just so he could have a peek at the beauty underneath. 

_ You’re relationship was forced from the beginning. You wouldn’t leave him alone, you made him play pool with you, and you practically tricked him into a date. This is how it’s supposed to be. You know he likes muscular guys, he told you.  _ The thoughts overwhelm him until he no longer feels like himself. He’s a passenger in his own body while his self preservation takes over. He watches the interaction conclude, his heart completely detached.

Kurogane comes back to the table with his beer. “Hope your happy,” he says trying to bait Fai into a bickering match. 

There’s a million things Fai wants to say.  _ I hate you. How could you do this? Why did you laugh? What did you say? What did he say? Do you love me? Am I good enough? Go be happy with him. Leave me. I’m not right for you. I’m not your future. I shouldn’t even be your present. I won’t lose. I’ll show you. You’re mine. _

“Hey.” Kurogane’s voice brings him back to reality. “You okay?”

Fai smirks. “I knew you could do it.”

Kurogane snorts. “Still got it.”

Fai takes Kurogane’s beer and sets it down on the table. He stands and holds out his hand for Kurogane. His boyfriend eyes him suspiciously, but takes his hand. Fai starts leading them to the other side of the bar, making a wide arc around the man who was unknowingly part of their bet. He drags them into the bathroom, a place he would normally avoid considering it’s the men’s bathroom at a gay bar. It’s poorly lit with sticky floors and evidence that glory holes are not just a porn gimmick.

It’s relatively early on a wednesday night, so while Fai is fairly certain they’re alone he shoves at the stall doors anyway. He steps into the one furthest from the entrance and pulls Kurogane in after him. His actions are a blur. 

“Fai, what the hell?”

He backs Kurogane up into the stall door and drops to his knees. He’ll have to burn his pants after tonight because there’s no coming back from a bathroom stall blow job. Despite being disgusted with himself, he’s not surprised. He’s a disgusting human being after all.  _ Needy. Moody. Selfish.  _

“Hey. No!” Kurogane tries to pull him up, but Fai stubbornly throws off his grip. His arms land at his side.

There are tears in his eyes because he’s so frustrated.  _ Why doesn’t he understand you have to do this? You better show him your value. Make him understand you’ll give anything. Your body. Your heart. Your dignity. Your everything.  _

Kurogane hauls him up with all his strength. Fai’s whole body feels weak when he gets his legs under him. “We’re going home,” Kurogane says stepping out of the stall. He walks without looking back to see if Fai follows him.

They walk home in silence, Kurogane leads ten feet ahead of Fai. His anger is palpable, if the way people on the street part around him is any indication. When they reach the apartment Kurogane lets them in and Fai trails after, closing the door behind himself. 

Kurogane stands with his arms crossed over his chest, his mouth settled into a hard line. “What. The. Fuck.” Each word snaps out of his mouth.

He knows he’s supposed to respond, but anything he might want to say sticks in this throat.

“Nothing? Seriously? You just tried to blow me in the men’s room at  _ Rico’s _ and you have nothing to say?”

Fai’s eyes go wide.  _ He’s going to leave you.  _ “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what came over me. That - that guy - I just - I know it was my idea, but then I saw you and I - I’m sorry.”

Kurogane lets out a harsh breath. He doesn’t seem less angry, but Fai has the distinct feeling their conversation is about to change. “Look Fai. You know I don’t -” Kurogane looks away. “I’m not good at dealing with feelings. I’ll do what you ask me to and won’t know what you want if you don’t tell me. So, just tell me if I do something you don’t like.”

Fai just stares at him.

Kurogane’s shoulders drop. “Christ. Forget it. I’m going to bed.”

_ Just let him go. Wouldn’t be the first time you fucked everything up. _ No. Not today. He stands up straight and steps forward, the floor creaks under him and Kurogane turns back. Suddenly Fai pictures himself in Yuuko’s office and remembers everything he’s worked on the last three years. Meds or not, he isn’t going to ruin this.  _ If you don’t say how you feel people won’t know.  _ Fai takes a steeling breath. “I don’t like seeing you with other men.”  _ If you don’t own your mistakes you’ll hold onto guilt.  _ “I know it was just a stupid bet and that I’m the one who came up with it, but when I saw you chatting him up I freaked out. I know I was in the wrong.”

Kurogane pulls at his face and takes a seat on the edge of their chaise sectional. “You know I would never actually do something like that.”

“I know.” Fai comes over and sits a appropriate distance from Kurogane given the circumstances. For a moment neither of them say anything. The tension starts melting away, into the raw emotion often left after an argument. It’s the delicate part where the hurt comes out.

“I didn’t flirt with him. I need you to know that.” Kurogane makes eye contact with him. “He was wearing a Sharks shirt so I mentioned it and he told me some story about going to a game. He asked me why I was talking to him if I was there with my boyfriend. I told him I lost a bet and had to get him to buy me a drink as punishment. He told me you picked a golden goose because he’s dating the bartender and had been drinking for free all night.”

Shame overtakes him. His heart hurts because he managed to ruin their evening. “I’m such an idiot.” He drops his head into his hands. “I can’t believed I managed to fuck up the whole night.”  _ Not really a surprise.  _

Kurogane’s hand land on his back and rubs circles between his shoulder blades. “Hey, look at me.”

Fai turns his face up and sniffles. 

“I don’t want to hold on to this. It’s over. It was rough, but we got through it. We’re-,” Kurogane scratches his neck. “We’re  _ Changing Together,  _ like your slogan.”

Fai sits up, a tiny smile pulls at his face. “It’s  _ Changing With You. _ ”

“Fine. I’m  _ Changing With You. _ ” Kurogane’s hand travels up Fai’s back and his fingers tug at the roots on Fai’s neck until they’re facing each other fully. He leans in and pecks Fai’s mouth.

“I love you.”

“Me too.” Kurogane releases him and he stands. “I’m going to bed though. It’s almost midnight.”

“Okay. I’ll be in soon.”

“You’re not coming?”

“I’m just going to clean the kitchen.”

“I thought we were okay.”

“We are!” Fai urges. “I just need a minute to, uh, digest the night. Okay?”

Kurogane nods. “Let me know when you come to bed.”

Fai watches him go and once the bedroom door closes he stands. If he starts now it’ll only take an hour or so for him to scrub away how he’s feeling.

 

~~~

 

It’s nearly three in the morning when Fai stops rearranging the bookshelf in the living room. He sits crossed legged on the floor and looks up at his work having just finished the bottom shelf. His mind is blank from the fatigue he’s worked himself into and his body is covered in a thin layer of sweat making his clothes stick. His phone sits in his hand.

The evening had left him anxious about his whole state of being. He counts the number of days he’s gone without meds. Eleven. Twelve now that it’s early on Friday morning, technically. Yuuko’s office opens at seven, she’s usually in by seven forty-five. If he texts her now he can probably go pick his prescription up on his lunch break. But, why would he do that? He had one bad day and he was able to redeem himself at the end using the methods he learned in therapy, and isn’t that the whole point? To learn how to cope?

Fai stands and goes to stand at the kitchen counter. He rests his elbows on the wood countertop and hangs his head. Pressing his thumb to his home button he unlocks his screen and reads over the message he had started to Yuuko a few hours ago.  _ Hey Yuuko I lost my meds a few days ago. Can you call in a new script to the pharmacy? Thx. _

He’s never had a strong opinion about medication. When it was presented as an option to him three years ago he’d been desperate for anything that was going to balance the highs and lows and quiet the voice in the back of his head that sought to destroy him. The intermittent depression had been scary, but not as debilitating as the constant anxiety. Which is probably why he never noticed the trade off between being medicated and not. 

He never noticed how absolutely boring it is to be medicated. With the exception of a few fleeting moments he feels wonderful. He’s motivated and his creativity is renewed which is helping at work. His sex drive, while never dormant, is amazing. He feel like he just cleaned the window to his life and now he can see everything so clearly, whereas before it was muted and fuzzy around the edges. And for those fleeting moments there’s everything he’s learned in therapy. 

He discards the message to Yuuko, turns off the lights, and goes to his room. He undresses down to his boxers and crawls into bed. 

Kurogane turns over, “Hey.” His voice is rough with sleep. Fai watches his turn to look at the clock. “Are you just coming to bed?”

Fai gives him a soft smile as he opens the covers and lays down. “No. I just got up for some water.”

Kurogane squints. “Okay.” He holds up his arm and Fai squeezes in, resting his head on Kurogane’s bicep.

“You know,” Fai whispers. “I really am sorry that I acted so-”

“Crazy,” Kurogane mumbles already approaching sleep.

“Yeah.” Fai pauses.  _ You’re crazy.  _


	5. August 10th, 2011

Fai slurps his left over udon and hits the clicker back one slide to stare at the alternative banner ad for his client. It really shouldn’t be this hard to chose between one design and another, but Fai has been flipping between his two options for the last forty-five minutes. 

_ Beginning of the end.  _ He takes a deep breath. “Make a decision.” Fai mumbles to himself as he becomes more frustrated. He drops the clicker on the table and sinks into his chair, his head tilts up as he begs himself to focus.  _ Which is better?  _ Sam obviously took lead on the ad displaying a phone with four different combinations of attachments each labeled with a job title, but it’s simple. Tomoyo’s is just slightly too complicated, maybe. The direction is clear, a ten second video that shows how the phone can document the the presidential race depending on the attachments, but it’s too political.

He knows they need work, but whenever he tries to work through their problems it’s like his mind if flooded with anything else. _ Maybe if we change- It’d be nice to have a dog. I wonder if Kurogane would want one.  _ He opens a new tab on his laptop and searches local dog sanctuaries. The adoption fees aren’t too bad. They could have a dog by the end of the week for less than three hundred dollars. Or, maybe, they could foster to see if they want a dog long term. The apartment doesn’t allow pets but it’s a small dog then it shouldn’t be an issue. If it was an issue they could just move. That’s not very practical, but it doesn’t make him want a dog any less. He emails himself a link of a cocker spaniel that lost it’s owner and uses his phone to text it to Kurogane. 

_ Focus. Sam’s idea is solid but-  _ Fai looks at his image again. The lighting is too dark making the ad look ominous as opposed to hopeful, which is probably the tone he’s going for. Some of the phone configurations don’t make sense.  _ Oh! We should have mac and cheese for dinner. We’d need cheese but we have everything else. Right?  _ Fai searches a recipe. It’d probably be better with white cheese sauce. Extra cheese, of course, and maybe they can add broccoli.

His phone buzzes and he reads Kurogane’s reply,  _ not no just not now. _ He stares at his phone feeling detached from Kurogane’s reply. He’s neither disappointed or excited, it’s just something that won’t give him immediate gratification. 

_ Fucking focus. Okay, there’s a better idea here somewhere. The video proposal is great it’s applicable to multiple social media platforms, but the content needs to be universal. You know Kurogane would probably like - _

Fai opens a new tab and googles Lake Tahoe. He’s never been and the drive isn’t far. More importantly Kurogane loves camping, but they haven’t gone since becoming a couple. Fai doesn’t know the first thing about camping, but that shouldn’t matter if he books a cabin. He makes a few phone calls and is able to find a resort that has an open cabin for the following weekend. It’s not  _ camping,  _ but it is in nature.

He spends the rest of the day planning things for them to do at Lake Tahoe. About an hour before he leaves he texts Kurogane,  _ I have something for you when you get home.  _ He prints the room reservation and stops at Target on the way home to find a card to stick the room reservation in.

He gets home without ever having made a decision at work.

 

~~~

 

Fai is just starting dinner when Kurogane walks in. Normally Kurogane cooks, but he’d called to let Fai know he was grabbing a drink with his project manager after work and would be home a bit later than usual. The delay had given Fai enough time to really make a show of his gift. The table was made up nice, he’d walked down to the liquor store to grab a bottle of wine, and put on some music. 

“I’m home.”

Fai looks up from the island counter where he’s grating cheese. “Hey babe. How was your day?”

Kurogane comes over and kisses Fai’s cheek before moving onto the fridge. “It was okay. There was a mistake with the labor that put us even more over budget, that’s why me and Mark went to grab a drink after work. So we could find the mistake.”

_ He was with another man.  _ “Mark? I thought Emily was the project manager on this job.”

“She was.” Kurogane sets his beer on the counter. “But they handed it over to Mark a few weeks ago when Em got her promotion.”

“Oh.” Fai runs his tongue over his teeth with annoyance.  _ He was hiding it from you.  _ “So, is Mark married?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t ask and he didn’t offer.”

“Hmm. You knew everything about Emily. I’m surprised you didn’t tell me about her promotion.”

There’s a pause. Kurogane’s bottle clinks against the edge of the counter as he sets it down. “You’re doing it again.”

Fai looks up at him and cocks his head. “Doing what?”

“Being fucking weird. I don’t know what the hell you’re thinking, but I know it’s crazy.”

“I’m fine.”

“No. You’re - you’re -,” Kurogane pauses looking for a word. “Passive aggressive. You’re being passive aggressive and it’s fucking tiring.”

_ He caught you. Your mask is cracking. You’re going to ruin everything.  _ Fai sighs. “I just - Emily. She’s come over for dinner, but you didn’t even tell me she got promoted.”

“And that’s it?” Kurogane grips the edge of the counter. “You’re mad I didn’t tell you about Emily. Not because you’re thinking some insane shit about Mark?”

“I just felt left out. I shouldn’t have to pull information out of you, I want you to tell me on your own.”

Kurogane nods his head. “Alright. Sorry I got pissy. I’m going to go shower.” He walks off, patting Fai’s ass as he goes. 

 

~~~

 

“Thanks for dinner.” Kurogane leans back in his chair. 

“You’re welcome. You must have really liked it. You had thirds.”

Kurogane smirks. “Good think you don’t cook everyday. I’d always overeat.”

Fai laughs. “That sounds like a compliment. I’ll take it.” He takes a sip of his wine.  _ Drinking won’t shut your brain up. _

“Didn’t you say you had something for me?”

“Yes!” Fai goes to the kitchen and comes back with his envelope. “Here. Happy two year anniversary.”

Kurogane sits up in his seat and takes the envelop. “That’s not today. I don’t have anything for you.”

Fai shrugs. “Just open it.” He watches with a huge smile on his face as Kurogane reads over the cheesy anniversary card. He snorts at the punchline and opens the folded reservation.

“Room reservation?” He looks up at Fai. “Where?”

“Lake Tahoe. Next weekend.”

Realization dawns on Kurogane. “Fuck. This is great! How long have you been planning this?”

“I just got the idea today.”

“And you were able to book a cabin?”

“They had a cancellation. Stroke of luck, I guess.”

“Shit. I haven’t gone camping in forever. And we can afford this? ”

_ Not with how you’ve been spending money lately.  _ “Don’t worry about it.” Kurogane looks down at the reservations. “Do you like it?”

Kurogane stands and turns Fai’s whole chair so the back faces the table. He drops to his knees and Fai grins. “I didn’t know you’d like it this much,” Fai teases.

“Shut up.”

Fai puts his hand in Kurogane’s hair and lifts his hips so Kurogane can pull his pants down. “You know, this is only the second most expensive blow job I’ve ever paid for.”

Kurogane looks up at him, frowning with exasperation. “Have I told you how annoying you are today?”

“I can’t seem to recall.” Fai tips his head back and closes his eyes.


	6. August 18th, 2011

Fai is packing his bag to leave work. He’s come in for a half day to reply to emails and attend a few different meetings before going home to pack and get on the road for their weekend trip to Lake Tahoe. Standing to leave he notices Margot approaching. “My desk, now,” she says walking past his desk and into her windowed office. 

There’s dread in the pit of his stomach as he sets his bag down and follows after her. She’s already engrossed in emails when he comes in. “Take a seat.”

He closes the door and does as she says. “What’s up?” Fai crosses and uncrosses his legs a nervous habit.

Margot turns to face him, a frown in place. “I just spoke with Tomoyo.”

“Oh.” Fai’s heart skips a beat. 

“I started talking to her about how pleased I am with the progress you guys are making on your project only to find out that you haven’t approved  _ anything.  _ This is entirely unacceptable, both as your superior and as your friend, because it means you lied to me earlier this week in our project update.”

Fai looks away. “I didn’t want you to worry.”

“If you had been honest and told me you weren’t as far along as you thought you’d be I wouldn’t have been. However, knowing you lied about it -” Margot takes a breath and rubs her eyes. “Is something wrong? I thought this was out of character of you after I spoke with Tomoyo, but now that we’re talking about it you’ve been different for a few weeks. We don’t really have a set time for our managers to come in, but you’ve been coming in later than usual. You’re snapping at the interns, you leave early, it takes days to get an email reply from you.”

Fai swallows, his mind has gone blank, but he can feel the thoughts scratching at the back of his mind just waiting for an opportunity to tear him down. “I’m sorry. I’ll do better, but please don’t take this project away from me.”

“I’m not going to take the project from you. I didn’t call you in here to punish you, I called you in here to light a fire under your ass.” Margot sinks into her chair looking defeated. “I know you’re out of town this weekend, but when you come back Monday I expect progress. I’ll be sitting in on your meetings going forward as well. Understood?”

“Yes. Thank you for the opportunity to continue working on this.”

Margot nods. “Fai. You’re good at what you do, but sometimes you get in your own head and you stay there. I’m here for you if you ever need to talk, okay?”

Fai nods mechanically, “Of course. I’ll see you Monday.” He stands and goes to his desk to collect his things. It feels like the whole office is staring at him as he does.  _ They all know you can’t do your job.  _ The shame wells in him.  _ You don’t belong here.  _ He can’t even talk to Kurogane about what just happened or he’ll know something is seriously wrong.  _ You’re going to get fired. You’ll lose your apartment. You’ll lose Kurogane. You’ll lose everything you care about. _

Fai leaves the office. Mental illness is a war and today Fai is fighting a losing battle. 

 

~~~

 

Fai slips into the apartment being careful not to make any noise. He knows he can’t avoid Kurogane, but maybe if he just stays quiet enough he’ll disappear like smoke under a fan. This is, of course, unrealistic. As if on cue Kurogane exits their bedroom with a ziplock bag of their toiletries. He stops and looks at Fai. “Hey. I thought you were going to be home before me.”

Fai stands up straight and pushes his hair back from his face. “Yeah, uh. Meeting ran long. Sorry.” 

Kurogane tosses the bag into a suitcase he has set up on the couch. Fai watches his face pull into concern.  _ He’ll leave you if he knows the truth.  _ “Feeling alright?

“Yeah. I’m fine. Totally fine.” Fai pushes off the door. “I’m going to go shower then I’ll help.”

Kurogane steps into his path. “You look sick.” He sets his hand on Fai’s head. “No fever.”

Fai steps around him, irritated. “I’m fine. Just let me shower.”

He locks the bathroom door behind himself and turns on the shower. While he waits for the water to warm up he looks in the mirror.  _ You look like shit. Get it together. If you use this weekend to your advantage maybe he won’t leave you.  _ He looks away from the mirror and undresses to get in the shower.

The water burns his skin, but he can’t bring himself to adjust the temperature. Maybe it’s what he deserves.  _ Calm down. Calm down. Calm down. You can’t fuck this weekend up. You can take your laptop and work on the designs after Kurogane falls asleep. If you get at least three hours of sleep you should still be able to function in the morning for hiking.  _ The very thought of having to do anything leaves him feeling suddenly drained. 

He exits the shower to a knock on the door. “Hey, where’d you put my box of jackets? Probably going to need them.”

“Was that one of the boxes from the corner of the living room?”

“Think so.”

“Um, try the hall closet. I think I just threw it in there”

He exits the bathroom and goes to the closet to pull on a pair of gray joggers and striped tank top.  _ You can do this. Just pretend a little longer. The episode will pass it always does, you just need to keep your front up. Nobody has to know.  _

“Fai.” Kurogane calls him from the living room. 

He rubs the towel over his hair one last time and goes to the living room. “Yeah?”

Kurogane turns, a jacket in one hand and an orange bottle in the other. The pills shift in the bottle and the sound seems to echo around them. “What are these for?” Kurogane looks up at him. His expression is one Fai doesn’t recognize. It’s not anger or irritation. It’s deeper, it’s a feeling that has suddenly grown roots inside him, and it’s Fai’s fault. 

He takes a step forward without thinking. “They’re nothing. Give them to me.” Fai holds out his hand. The whole universe laughs at him.  _ You thought you could be happy. _

“No. Tell me what they are.” Kurogane’s voice has an edge to it.

Fai’s body moves on instinct. “They’re mine.” He tries to snatch the bottle, but Kurogane is quicker and holds them over his head taking a step back.

“Just tell me what they are and I’ll give them to you!”

He grapples for the bottle, anger taking over his movements. “It’s not your fucking business!” He braces himself by putting a hand on Kurogane’s shoulder and jumps for the bottle. 

Kurogane takes another step back to try and escape Fai, but the extra weight throws him off balance and they both fall to the ground. 

“Give them to me!” Fai screams as he reaches for the bottle, not having lost sight of his goal. 

“I already looked up what the prescription is for Fai, I just want to hear it out of your fucking mouth!”

His ears start ringing and for a moment his whole body goes limp. “No.” The word comes out strangled. The world begins to blur as his eyes fill with tears. “No. No. No. No.” He beats his fists against Kurogane’s chest. The force with which he brings his fists down grows heavier with each swing. “They aren’t mine! They aren’t mine! They aren’t mine!”

“They have your name on them!”

“No!” Fai misses Kurogane’s chest and punches the floor, splitting his knuckles open. He does it again without thinking. He’s not in control anymore, it’s just like what he kept telling himself.  _ You’re going to ruin everything. _

Kurogane’s hands grab his wrists. “Jesus Christ!” He pulls them both up from the floor, abandoning the pills. He drags Fai over to the sink and pushes his hand under the cool water. “Shit,” he spits. “It’s swelling.”

Fai stares blankly at his torn knuckles.  _ This isn’t me. I’m not here. This isn’t me. This isn’t me. _

Kurogane comes back with ice and makes him hold it against his injured hand, that’s when Fai sees the angry red scratches on Kurogane’s arms.  _ You did that. You hurt him. You’re a piece of shit. He’s going to leave you.  _ Somewhere outside of himself Kurogane is talking to him, but he can’t hear what he’s saying. 

“I hit you.” The words seems so far away, like he didn’t even say them. The tears begin to flow freely down his cheeks. “I  _ hit  _ you.” The ice drops into the sink as Fai steps back from the counter on shaky legs. 

“Where are you going?”

Fai looks up to see Kurogane at the edge of the kitchen, looking through Fai’s wallet. He hadn’t even noticed he left the kitchen. He looks down and to his left. His mouth drops open as he looks back up. Maybe he means to say something, but nothing comes out. He has no thoughts, how he even decides to take another step forward is beyond him.

Kurogane sets the wallet down on the counter and steps in front of him “Seriously. Just relax. We need to go to the hospital. You could have a broken hand.”

He doesn’t meet Kurogane’s eyes, just shakes him off and continues towards his room. “Don’t touch me.” He whispers. “Just go.” He doesn’t turn around and he doesn’t register what Kurogane says as he tries to follow him. He locks the door behind himself and stares at his bed. His body feels no pain. He feels nothing. There’s nothing left.

He collapses in the center of the bed and pulls his knees into his chest.

Kurogane, bless his heart, tries to talk to him through the door. What he’s saying doesn’t even sound like words.

The tears that flow freely from his eyes soak the sheets beneath him, but he doesn’t even have the energy to wipe them away. “This isn’t real.” He whispers to himself. There’s laughter in the back of his head.  _ Yes it is. _

 

~~~

 

When he comes back to himself the sun is setting. He hasn’t slept, but he also hasn’t really been conscious. For the past few hours he’s mostly stared at the wall or closed his eyes and stared into the abyss. 

He sits up, pulling the blanket with him. His hand throbs, which is the first time he’s registered pain since everything transpired. The first thing he notices is the door handle is gone and the door has been left slightly ajar. Kurogane had probably gotten tired of waiting for Fai to open the door so he could get his things. He’s under the impression he’s alone in the apartment. He turns towards the closet, expecting to find it torn apart, instead he notices a glass of water on the night stand and a bowl of Cheez-Its.

The front door opens and Fai can hear Kurogane on the phone. “Mom, I don’t know what to do. Do I just leave him alone?” A pause. “No. He’s just - he’s been sleeping. I tried to get him up to go to the hospital, but he won’t move.” Another pause. “There’s no bruising on his hand. I don’t think he was trying to hurt himself. It just happened.” Kurogane sighs. “Maybe he wouldn’t of freaked out if I hadn’t confronted him like that. God, I’m such an asshole. I was just so fucking mad, Mom.” 

Fai let’s out a shaky breath as it dawns on him that Kurogane is still here. 

“Okay, Mom. I know it’s not my fault. I’m - I’m going to let you go. Gunna go see if he’s up. Okay. Love you, too. Bye.” 

Fai is frozen in place when Kurogane enters the room. They stare at each other. “Hey,” Kurogane says after a moment. 

Fai makes eye contact, but looks away.

Kurogane takes a few steps towards the bed. “Are you okay?”

He takes a shaky breath and starts shaking his head.  _ No, I’m not okay. I’m not okay.  _ The tears come back.

“Shit. Hold on.” Kurogane goes to the bathroom and comes back with a roll of toilet paper. He offers a few squares to Fai so he can wipe his eyes as sits on the edge of the bed.  “Um, are you hungry?”

Fai shakes his head.

“How’s your hand?”

Fai holds out his arm.

“I’ll be right back.” Kurogane comes back with ice and a bag from the pharmacy. Takes Fai’s hand and rubs Neosporin over and cuts and wraps his hand and wrist with a compression bandage. “Can I get you anything?”

Fai raises his hand to the side of his head, pantomiming a phone. 

“Where is it?”

He shrugs.

Kurogane gets up and returns a few minutes later with Fai’s cell phone. He holds it out and Fai takes it. He scrolls through his contacts, all the way to the bottom. Fai pulls up her contact card,  _ Yuuko - Psychiatry/Therapy,  _  and hands the phone to Kurogane.

He watches Kurogane study the screen. His eyes flick up to Fai once before he stands, taking the phone with him. 

Fai lays back down and closes his eyes.


	7. August 19th, 2011

Fai is shaken awake by a firm hand. “Hey, babe. It’s almost noon and we have company.” He opens his eyes and looks over his shoulder to Kurogane. 

“You’re still here?” The words come out before he can stop them.

Kurogane tilts his head. “Yeah. Still here.”

Fai looks down at the sheets. “I need to wash my face.”

“Okay. Meet me in the living room.”

He watches Kurogane leave and waits until the door is closed before throwing his legs over the side of the bed and going to the bathroom. He does a condensed version of his daily routine. He brushes his teeth, but he doesn’t floss. He washes his face, but doesn’t bother with any creams. He doesn’t wash his hair, just pulls it up into a man bun. 

When he exits the bedroom the first person he see is Yuuko. She stands and holds her arms open. Fai’s lip quivers as he rushes towards her. She embraces him, a reassuring hand on his back. 

“Oh, god. I messed up Yuuko. I messed up so bad.”

“Shh. You made a mistake and mistakes are inevitable.”

“He’s going to  _ leave  _ me.”

Yuuko shakes her head. “I don’t think that’s very likely.” She breaks their hug. “Take a seat,” she gestures to the corner of the couch and sits back down on a chair she’s pulled from the kitchen. 

Fai pulls his legs up under himself and rests his weight on the armrest. “Where’s Kurogane?”

“I told him to take a walk. To give us a chance to talk privately.”

“Oh.” He feels his face drop.

“Don’t worry. He’ll be back. He told me to let you know he was going to the deli to grab sandwiches.”

“Okay.”

“So,” Yuuko begins, “panic attack?”

Despite himself Fai snorts. “Yeah. Bad one.”

“What happened?”

“I, uh. I got in trouble at work.” He pauses to collect his thoughts. “Things haven’t been going too well there.” Fai flicks his eyes up to Yuuko and looks away hoping she catches on.

“Because you stopped taking your meds?”

Fai nods. “Yeah.”

“Why did you do that?”

“I didn’t mean to. I lost my prescription and I couldn’t afford another month’s supply. So, I just thought I could go without until my next paycheck. But, I can’t, obviously.”

“I counted your pills. It’s been almost a whole month since you last took them. Surely you’ve been paid since then.”

Fai picks at his sweats. He knows the answer to the question she hasn’t asked. “I had, like, withdraw at first. I felt like shit, but I played it off as the flu. After it passed I felt amazing. It was like I had been watching my life on a shitty analog tv for the past three years and suddenly everything was in HD. My head was clear and hadn’t even realized it was clouded.” 

He pauses and looks to the end table where there’s a framed picture of him and Kurogane at the beach. He picks it up and studies it in his lap. “I started thinking that my life was boring on meds. You know? It felt like they were weighing me down too much.”

“Medication shouldn’t make you feel like a stranger in your own body. We can adjust the dosage and see if you like that better. That is if you want to be back on them.”

Fai licks his lips. “I kind of feel like I failed.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m not as strong as I should be.”

“It’s okay to fall down, Fai.”

The front door opens and Kurogane come in.

“Hi,” Fai says quickly. He feels uneasy. “Do you need help?”

“No, I’m just going to stick these in the fridge,” Kurogane hold up the bag of subs. “Unless you want yours now.”

“It’s okay. I’m not very hungry.”

Kurogane goes to the kitchen and puts the sandwiches in the fridge before coming over to sit on the couch. “Now that I’m back do you want to talk?”

Fai looks to Yuuko then back to Kurogane. “You’re okay if Yuuko’s here?”

“It’s weird, but I’ll get over it.”

“You shouldn’t go out of your way for me.”

Kurogane rolls his eyes. “I want to. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.”

Fai holds his gaze. “Okay.”

Yuuko crosses her legs. “Alright then. Fai, why don’t you tell Kurogane how we know each other.”

He looks to Yuuko who gesture towards Kurogane, prompting him to turn to his boyfriend. “She’s my therapist. I’ve been seeing her for a little over three years.”

“How did you manage to keep that from me?”

“I usually go see her before work or during lunch, so it never conflicted with what we were doing.” Fai swallows. “She - uh - she treats me for anxiety and depression.”

Kurogane nods. “Is that what happened yesterday?”

Fai nods, wiping his eyes. “Yeah, that was a panic attack. I - uh - I hadn’t had one in a few years, but they use to happen a lot more. Before the meds.”

“How come you never told me?”

“About the meds?”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t know. I just couldn’t believe that you would still want to be with me if you knew.”

“Because you don’t trust me?” Kurogane asks, an edge of sadness in his voice.

“No! Of course I  _ trust  _ you. This has a lot less to do with you than it does with me.”

“It really hurts Fai.”

“What?”

“I said it hurts.” Kurogane’s voice is a little more hardened the second time he says it. “I -” Fai watches Kurogane’s eyes flick over to Yuuko. “I love you, you know. I try to be honest about my feelings even if it’s awkward for me because I know you need that. But this whole time you’ve needed me and you never even asked me for help. What kind of boyfriend am I if you won’t let me help you?”

Fai sniffs. “No. I - just - I love you, too. I just didn’t want to burden you with how I am.”

“That’s what it means to be together, Fai. It means we get to deal with each others shit until the world ends or one of us dies.”

“Or until we break up,” Fai tries for humor.

“We’re not breaking up, you idiot.”

For the first time in what feel like a millennium, Fai smiles. He scoots his hand across the couch and Kurogane reaches out to take it. 

“Maybe you didn’t need me here for this after all.” Yuuko stands, a small smile on her face. She reaches into her bag and pulls out a prescription pad. She jots something down, rips the paper off, and hands it to Fai. “It’s a lower dose, but whether you fill it is up to you.”

Kurogane stands to let Yuuko out. “Thanks for coming.”

“No problem. I’m happy you called. Just be patient this weekend.” She looks at Fai then back to Kurogane, “He’ll need plenty of support and reassurance. Fai I’ll see you at our next appointment. Don’t hesitate to call if you need me.”

Fai looks down to the prescription in hand.


	8. September 2nd, 2011

Fai takes a deep breath and turns to face the boardroom. “Blok isn’t just a modular cell phone, it’s a way that allows us to adapt technology to our ever changing life. That’s why my team,” Fai nods to Tomoyo and Sam standing at the back of the room, “and I felt it was important to show what parts of our life are constantly changing. Enjoy.”

Fai takes a seat as tomoyo starts the video they plan to post to social media. It stars a young couple on their first date taking a selfie. The angle of the camera allows the modules on the phone to be seen. The rest of the commercial is a series of shots at the same angle as the couple experiences various milestones. The modules change based on the couple's needs until the final few frames where both of them present their engagement rings. The couple fades out and the words phase in:  _ Changing With You. _

The video ends and Fai hold his breath. The main client stands. “I love it.” He claps and the rest of the room follows. The tension breaks and Fai looks across the room. Margot nods her head at him. 

Things are looking up.

 

~~~

 

“I did it!” Fai screams when he comes into the apartment. “I got the promotion!” He stops when he realizes the apartment is empty. “Kurogane?”

“Hey!” Kurogane comes out of the bedroom, closing the door behind himself. “You’re home early. I thought you had therapy after work today.”

“I do, but Margot sent me since the presentation went so well.” Fai grins as he approaches Kurogane. He wraps his arms around Kurogane’s neck and hauls him down for a kiss. “I did it! I killed it at the presentation.”

Kurogane kisses him back. “I knew you would. You’ve been working on it everyday.”

There’s the sound of glass breaking behind their bedroom door. “What was that?” Fai frowns.

“Oh shit.” Kurogane turns around and opens the door. Sure enough the lamp on Fai’s side of the bed has fallen. “Fuck. Where the hell did he go?”

“Where did who go?” Fai says walking into the room. He picks up his meds and sets them on the night stands.

Kurogane gets on his knees and reaches under the bed. “There you are you little shit.” When he stands up and turns around Fai starts jumping up and down.

“It’s a puppy! You got me a puppy!” He gets closer and holds out his arms for the little cream colored cocker spaniel. Kurogane hands him over and the little guy immediately starts licking under Fai’s chin. 

“I know it’s late, but happy anniversary.”

Fai wipes the happy tears from his eyes. “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!”

“You’re welcome. Kurogane pulls him into a hug despite the fact that Fai has no intention of hugging him back, he’s too engrossed with his new pup. He rubs his head under Kurogane’s chin. “Kuro-pup! Let’s go to the dog park!”

“He’s too little for that.”

Fai holds the puppy at arms length and frown. “Aw, Meatloaf. Daddy won’t take us to the park.”

“Tch.  _ Daddy. _ ”

“What? Fatherhood scaring you already?”

Kurogane rolls his eyes. “Hell no. I’m going to parent the shit out of our dog.” He pauses. “Meatloaf is a dumb name.”

“Do you have something else in mind?”

“I like the name he came with.”

“Which is?”

“Makona.”

Fai grins and steps away, holding the puppy close to his chest. He turns back to Kurogane and starts laughing. “We’re dog parents!”

Kurogane smiles back at him and the rush of happiness Fai feels is not muted or dulled. It’s real and fills him up with the kind of meaning and support he’s always dreamed of having. Meds or not, he won’t mess this up. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I didn't say it enough at the beginning, thank you so much for reading!
> 
> This fic became very personal for me to write, I believe this is both a strength and weakness. Regardless, I am happy with the end result.
> 
> Please consider rating my fic [HERE](http://kurofai.dreamwidth.org/101973.html) according to the following criteria:
> 
> 1\. How well did this fic handle the prompt? (1-10)
> 
> 2\. How well did this fic fit their team’s theme? (1-10)
> 
> 3\. How much did you enjoy this fic overall? (1-10)
> 
> If you feel so inclined, find me on [Tumblr](cunttwatula.tumblr.com)


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